Calorie counting craziness

The calorie counting is driving me NUTS. It's like being anorexic, but you're still as big as a house. Tonight I actually didn't eat any dinner because I couldn't bear the though of counting up the calories and writing them down. I'd actually rather not eat than have to look at some stupid spreadsheet to tell me I've been a good, acceptable person today. Maybe it's PMS, or maybe the calorie-counting has driven me off the deep end. I'm hungry but I just don't want to count anything else today... so far today it's 969 calories. Dinner would put me at a nice 1269 total today. But... I just don't f*&%ing want to do it. :o(

Reading Rosie's column usually makes me chuckle, but today I can read her frustration easily. And I can totally relate. Absolutely NO ONE ever, EVER woke up one day and said... "Today is the day! I definitely want to be fat! I'm going to do everything possible from here on out to get fat. Bring it on!". No one does it on purpose. It is subtle, it is insidious, it is consuming and it is humiliating. And I didn't think it was possible, but trying to lose weight is (gulp) worse than just being fat. Today I hate the diet, the calories and the spreadsheet. I hate it. I don't want to do it anymore.

Now that I'm "approved" for the LAP-Band I feel even more pressure. Every pound I can get off now is a "bonus". There are many foods I'm already mourning (no more bread, no more red meat, no more this, that and ten other things - ever). It sucks. And I also get to write down forever what I eat. Even after the band. For years I guess. It's driving me crazy now, how is it going to be better if I do it for longer? Is getting thin really going to be worth it? I haven't been healthy-thin since I was about 15. I can't remember what it even feels like.

Is being thin worth all this craziness? Counting every calorie, recording every calorie, recording every serving (is it one meat? veggie? grain? dairy?), and the weight every week. Am I up? Am I down? Am I good? Am I bad?

I strongly resent that I don't know a single other person that lives with this insanity. No one to talk to. No one to reason with or sympathize with. Until you've counted every calorie, every meal, every day for over a year, I doubt you could understand it really. You can imagine it. You know it sucks, but you don't really, really KNOW what it's like. Just like with so many other things in life. The whole 'walk a mile in their shoes' thing. But I can tell you it feels very un-natural and counter-intuative. I honestly don't know anyone else who does this. Wow... what an aweful revalation. I really must be nuts to be doing this cause no one else is. (Or maybe they and they're not telling?)

What am I doing all of this for? I feel like a failure almost all the time. Even when I think I've had a good week, with an average of less than 1400 calories per day, that doesn't mean I've lost weight. So I work hard and then get on the scale and half the time I can't figure out how it worked out to a gain or loss. It makes so little sense.

There's so much pressure and expectation. I feel like I'm drowning in it. :o(