Predictable Disaster

Had my surgery consult today. I'd gained weight. :o( The nurse who weighed me said that if the surgeon came in and saw my weight gain and lack of a food journal I will be outright rejected right then and there. I'm very disappointed in myself. Good going girl... something else you just can't get right. I feel frustrated... like my new motto should be 'if you're not starving, you're not doing it right'. Just the thought of focusing 100% on food all day, writing everything down, worrying about the weight of each item, calculating the calories and being hungry enough to get a headache every day... I want to quit. Right f*%$ing now. It feels like a cruel test to make someone who KNOWS they can't lose weight consistantly, have to lose weight consistantly until you'll give them the tool that will let them do it. I have to lose weight to get weight loss surgery. If I could successfully lose weight consistantly I wouldn't need the surgery now would I?

And it's hard because I feel like the only way to lose weight with my metabolism is to get the diet perfect every day. No slip ups, no bad days, no bloating, no drinking, no nothing. I am so far from perfect, I can't even see it from here. But that's the only thing that's works. That's why I can't lose the weight because I can't be perfect with food every day. But that's exactly what I have to be to do this right. I just want to cry. And try harder I guess.

I've been under a lot of stress already with my husband's broken ankle and all the extra work I've had to do to make up from him being out of commision. Enough stress that trying to get my food perfect went out the window. So I ate out a lot, but tried not to be really ridiculous about the choices. It didn't make my weight go up, but it didn't make it go down either. So when I got on the scale before I left it said I'd gone up 2 lbs. But then I went a great weekend 'bender' with my girlfriends and had a LOT to drink for the first time in a looooong time (at least 5 years ago). When I got on the scale at the Weight Wise clinic it said I'd gone up 11 lbs. I was shocked and upset. The girl immediatly told me we should reschedule.

What is always in the back of my mind is that if I had the money I'd have already had this done in a private clinic in Palm Springs over 2 years ago. Instead I'm jumping through a million hoops and getting very frustrated. Some days I think I should just give up on the Alberta healthcare system and start saving my money for the States. I called once and they told me the Palm Springs clinic would need 3 weeks to run bloodwork, do testing, meet me and then they'd have me in for surgery within 3 weeks. Ugh... 3 years of this, or 3 weeks and $36,000 less. Gee, I don't know which is worse -- or better, depending on how you look at it.

Anyhow, I still feel raw and upset. Can't eat to feel better. Can't drink. Guess I'll just go cry some more....