Still here...

I'm still here. Haven't blogged for a while. Doing okay on my 'diet' - which I'm not actually doing the last week or so, but haven't regained. Feel a pressing need to get down like 30 lbs to make up for my gain before the last appt. I felt very guilty and judged at the last appt, and was not allowed to see the surgeon. Now I feel like I have to overcompensate for that poor performance. I'm down 18 lbs, but feel like I've been a bad girl non-the-less.

Guess guilt can be a good thing if it keeps you on track - but it irritates me a lot that I feel guilty all the time about this. Why is that my response? I've spent my whole life feeling guilty about food and my weight. But I'm just a person like everyone else. I eat moderatley. I definatly don't sit around on the couch all day eating twinkies (not that I think very many obese people do this at all!). But this program to try and get weight loss surgery is confounding me. I have to lose weight consistantly to get approved, but obviously that's what I haven't been able to do so far in my life. It's like being set up to fail. And I hate that!

Oh well, grumble, grumble. Doesn't help anything. What I have noticed is that when I consistantly lose weight for a week or two, or look at the 29lbs I've lost on my own to-date, I start thinking maybe, just maybe, I could lose this weight on my own. And that bugs me too. Why do I think that? If I was going to do it alone, wouldn't I have already? It would require pretty-much absolute perfection in everything I eat, every day. I definatly KNOW that I can't do that! So many thoughts and frustrations around this whole thing.

Then I see online that I can get the LAP-Band done in India for $8000 including accomodations. OH COME ON! I could have put that on my VISA 2 years ago and been done with all of this by now. But NO... have to try and get it through Alberta Health Care instead. It's "free", except for the monthly insurance payment. And the judgements and hoops to jump through. "Free" isn't fun, that's for damned sure. :o(